Lose Yourself…

Two days ago, I was ten days into a 14-day fall break. Day # 10. There I was, thick in the midst of all of the beautiful joy that autumn has to offer…leaf-collecting, caterpillar-spying, ladybug-spotting, big-bouncy-ball-kicking good times…when it. hit. me. I was totally surrounded by sweet innocence. Pretend play at its best. With a fresh batch of pumpkin-rock-stew-a-brewin’.

  And I stood there, feeling like the worst momma in the world. Because I couldn’t do it. As much as my w.h.o.l.e. h.u.g.e. b.r.e.a.k.i.n.’ heart wanted it. I just couldn’t lose myself. In the imagination. In the leaf piles. In the swinging contests. In the across-the-backyard races. My mind was spinning. Filled with tugging thoughts, literally pulling the me away from the essence of life, of motherhood, right in front of my very eyes…

~to the garage, scattered with boxes of junk, in all its glory…the same garage I vowed to organize over break

~to the unpainted bathroom walls, with their plain-Jane-“I-need-a-redo” beige staring me in the face every day

~to the grocery list and subsequent trip to follow

~to the lesson-planning that I had put off before break due to trying to take care of my sick sweeties.

So instead of basking in the treasured precious playtime of three tiny tots, I was drowning in a tub of oversized guilt. There is nothing more in the world that I love than being immersed in their sweet, imaginative, life-is-not-so-bad little world. A realm of kicking a pink soccer ball into a pretend goal. And singing my ABCs while cuddling Baby Nugget tightly against my chest, nestled together on the child-sized seat swing. Or stirring up a puddle of stone soup. A land of helping the princesses climb into their playhouse castle to escape the dragons hiding below in the grass. Nothing I. love. more.

But, try as I might, my body felt tense. I wasn’t immersed. And I am pretty sure they could tell. But I just couldn’t shake it. The meaningless tasks were invading my happiness.  Thoughtless to-do lists pulling me away from being present. A disorganized, unfinished task overtaking my ability to let loose. And I actually started to feel upset. Angry.

Because sometimes I just want to forget about the real-world and just be “Mommy“. To let the dishes pile up. To let the laundry overflow. To eat leftovers (again). To let our imaginations run wild. And venture off to a new-and-far-away place. Away from reality. And to totally-and-completely, fully-and-utterly, wholly-and-entirely lose myself. In a world created just to be our own. G.u.i.l.t.-f.r.e.e.